Whether among family, friends or co-workers, I believe that we’ve all had to face conflict with someone else. While this article will not address conflict on world scale, it will present you with some insight on how to effectively resolve conflicts that you face in your life. The fact is that change begins with you and I do believe that the most effective way to change the world is one person at a time.
As one of my mentors always asks, “How do you eat an elephant?” To which the answer is always “One bite at a time.”
The Art of Conflict Resolution is grounded in natural laws – correct principles that hold true no matter what situation you face. They are simple in concept and they always work; however, they are not always easy to put into practice.
Following are 5 practices that will most certainly help you to become more effective at resolving conflicts you face no matter with whom. When these practices become habits, you will become a person of solution rather than conflict.
#1 – Accept the truth:
One of the first things you must be willing to do is to accept all truths relating to and about the conflict you face. If you do not accept the truth, no solution you come up with will be a win/win because it will have been based on a false foundation.
Firstly, you must accept the truth about yourself. You must be willing to take an honest look at yourself and decipher what you might have done to create and/or escalate the conflict. If for whatever reason, you honestly don’t know what you have done then you must simply accept the possibility and probability that in all likelihood, you have done something that help to create and/or escalate the conflict. The fact that you may be unaware of what that is exactly is irrelevant – you only have to accept the possibility.
Secondly, you must also accept the truth about the other party to your conflict. Be honest about what he/she/they might have done to rub you the wrong way. Although difficult, you must also accept the possibility that he/she/they do not know that they have offended you in any way. In fact, this is often the case in most day-to-day conflicts; the parties are usually unaware of what really created or escalated it. They make many assumptions; however, once the truth comes out, the picture often looks quite different.
Thirdly, you must accept the truth of your situation. Can your situation truly improve without resolving this conflict? Will you be ok emotionally if this conflict continues? The more protracted the conflict, the harder it will be to get to the bottom of it.
It is important for you to accept the truth that unless you resolve this conflict as quickly as possible, you will be unable to move on with peace of mind.
If you can accept these truths and possibilities, you will be off to a great start.
#2 – Accept inevitable change:
Change is a constant – it is an undeniable principle and yet so many of us refuse to do it even when all the evidence tells us it is the best course of action. The fact is that change is inevitable whether we are willing to accept it or not – it will happen with or without us. The only question you need to ask when things change is, “Will it be more valuable for all involved if I change too or if I stay my course?”
When it comes to conflict resolution; the fact that you have a conflict in the first place already tells you that any solution will involve change. In this vein, you must be willing to accept the fact that you may have to change some of the things you are doing in order for the situation to get better and ultimately succeed.
It is utterly useless talking to a party you have a conflict with about a resolution if you are unwilling to change your position or behavior. In fact, if you truly seek the best solution, you must be willing to see the world from the other party’s point of view. Unless you seek that “ah-ha” moment, it will be a much more arduous road to a resolution.
Change is inevitable, accept it otherwise your conflict will most certainly continue.
#3 – Accept no triangulation:
One of the first, and most dangerous, things that many people do when they have a conflict with another is to involve a third party without consent. This almost always sends an already bad situation spiraling out of control into an abyss of confusion, blaming and dismay. I am hard-pressed to think of one situation where a conflict was successfully resolved by one party going behind another party’s back to involve a third party.
This is especially true when the third party you call on is of higher formal authority than the other party with which you have the conflict. You know what I mean – “I don’t like what you’re doing so I go tell your boss” kind of thing.
The best avenue to pursue when attempting to resolve a conflict is a direct one. Go directly to the source and keep the situation only between the conflicting parties. There are only 2 times when it is ok to triangulate a situation.
The first is when both conflicting parties agree that they need a mediator to help them resolve their issues. In that case both parties would consent and also agree on who the third party should be. This way, there are no surprises and no one feels ambushed.
The second is when one party refuses to participate in finding a resolution and in order to move on; your role requires that you inform others. For instance, in the case of a job, you may have a conflict with someone that is unwilling to talk or budge from his/her position thereby creating a roadblock. In this case it is totally fine to involve a third party as long as you inform the other party of your intent to do so. This way, again, there are no surprises and no one feels ambushed.
Aside from these 2 examples where triangulation is necessary and above board, in any other form it only serves to widen the void that the situation has created in the first place. Nothing good can come of any situation if one party feels betrayed or belittled. This course only makes the situation worse and moves you many more miles away from a true resolution.
#4 – Accept only win/win resolutions:
In resolving conflicts, it is important that both sides come away feeling great about where you end up. If one side comes away feeling ok and the other feeling great – this, in my opinion and experience, is definitely not ok.
One of the biggest mistakes people make when it comes to negotiation or resolving conflicts is that they compromise or worse – they accept a win for one side and a loss for the other. Nothing fuels resentment more that this type of thinking and method of problem solving.
In conflict resolution, it is important to go in genuinely seeking a win/win resolution. You must endeavor to have both parties come away from the situation feeling great about where you end up. In fact, the best resolutions are the ones where both parties are able to come up with a resolution that is better than what either side proposed in the first place. Sure, it takes patience and commitment; however, it is much better in the long run and success is virtually guaranteed when you work in this mindset.
If you truly wish to resolve the conflicts you face and have them stay resolved, seeking win/win resolutions is the only way to do that. If one party feels slighted, it will eventually come back to haunt you and then you will have to do this dance all over again. If you can accept that the pinnacle of excellence comes from synergy, it will be much easier for you to seek nothing but win/win resolutions in all your conflicts.
#5 – Accept the possibility of impasse:
This is by far, I believe, the hardest thing to do when it comes to conflict resolution. More often than not, it is difficult to walk away – even more so – the possibility is not even a consideration.
This is especially true when you have other entities of authority involved such as a corporate one where you are not the one charged with the responsibility of making the call to walk away from a situation that isn’t working.
The truth is though that this practice is a very powerful habit to develop. Even if you work in a corporate environment, you can still exercise this practice by simply going on record with your position.
Here it is in a Nutshell…
When you find yourself in a conflict with no available solution that creates a win/win outcome, you must be willing to walk away without injury, resentment or malice. In this case you simply state that your truest wish was that you could come to a win/win resolution; however since it appears that you are unable to do so together at this time, the best avenue to pursue is to walk away. Who knows? Perhaps you can come together again at a future date in another endeavor.
The point is that when you treat the other party with this high level of respect and authenticity, you not only gain their trust but also preserve the relationship. In most cases, when you deal with an impasse in this manner, future endeavors become a lot easier to execute and the relationship grows stronger.
If you are in a situation where you are not the person who makes the decision to walk away, you can exercise this practice by stating your position but that you are willing to go along with the resolution in the best interest of your team. As long as the resolution does not violate your core values or diminish the value you bring to the table, do what you need to do to collect your paycheck.
This is a personal choice and I would not presume to tell anyone how to deal with it. If you can afford the luxury, you can also opt off a project that is not going down the road of win/win. In my experience, even in a corporate setting, I have found that you gain more respect and trust from your peers and superiors when you step up to the plate in this way.
In my view, when it comes to conflict resolution, it’s either win/win or walk away. We can come back to the table at a later date with other ideas on how to resolve this conflict or with a brand new project.
But hey – who cares what I think – right?
If you can turn these 5 practices into habits, you will master the Art of Conflict Resolution.
"Happy Resolving"
